But aren’t you gay?
I'll answer the most common question from family, friends, and strangers up front. Yes, I am gay. And yes, I am the biological father and full-time dad to my boys. These two things can be true.
My dad story.
I was a single, free 31-year-old bachelor. I vacationed whenever I wanted (Miami anyone?), I was put together 24/7, even for a trip to the grocery store, and I prioritized time with friends over time with family. Then Lexington was born, and my life changed forever for the better. When he was only three months old, I gained sole custody of the first baby to make me a dad.
Then along came Lyric a couple of years later, my second baby. Luckily for him and me, his bio mom Simone is a constant full-time mom in his life. She is the mom in Lexington’s life too. From day one, she helped with Lex and helped me learn how to be a parent. Simone, my brother, and his ex-boyfriend make up our household and help with all aspects of childcare. And my boys’ Glamma and great-grandfather play a big role too. When they say it takes a village, it does. These are the family in mine.
When Lexington came home, I was a nervous mess. I woke up every hour to put my finger under his nose or stare at his chest going up and down making sure he was breathing. This went on for months. Simone talked me into transitioning him into his own room, which I did with the best camera money could buy. Even with that camera staring at him, I would still get up every hour, check his nose and chest … eventually, I relaxed a bit. Until a friend’s baby died from SIDS at ten months. Lex was immediately back in my room with a new bassinet, the safest I could find. When I could fall asleep, I had nightmares about something terrible happening to him. It wasn’t until after his first birthday that I got a full night’s sleep. Lex was my teacher. He taught me how to be a better-adjusted dad versus a box of nerves when Lyric was born. I even managed full nights of sleep without nightmares in the first year.
The frequent, but less common, question.
Lex’s mom. I know society doesn't perceive an uninvolved mother as normal. I wish Lex’s mom was part of his life, and I’ve tried. She’s been invited to both his birthdays and didn’t show, but Simone was always there. Lex’s bio mom has two older children and another on the way. I push for him to be part of his sisters’ lives, and I’m close with one of their grandmothers. She travels from out of state to take his sisters to Lex’s birthday parties, and they have extended visits with us. Since they're older, they understand Lex is their little brother, but he doesn’t really understand the relationship yet.
Since this is the Milk by Mom blog after all, I’ll add that both my boys were formula fed. Until Tirza asked me to be a blog contributor, I honestly didn’t know freeze-drying breast milk was a service or option for us, formula seemed like the only one, especially with Lex. If and when I have another child, it’s an option I’d love to explore for them, especially if I’m co-parenting with their mom in the picture.
The best thing about being a single, gay dad.
I grew up in an upper-class, predominantly white, preppy town. When I came out, I was certainly different. Even though it wasn’t that long ago, gay people were even less accepted than today. I was literally a culture shock. I was lucky my family accepted me. Other friends were shunned and even became homeless when they came out to their families.
My kids are growing up with experiences other children in traditional households just can’t have, so their view of normal will be so much more accepting. Kids state what they see and accept it. My children’s Auntie Eve is transgender (M to F), their mothers are straight and bisexual, and their dad and uncle are gay. We have mixed backgrounds too. Their moms are black, I’m white and Argentinian. I’m so grateful they will experience an inclusive normal that reflects more than popular opinions or biased statements.
There is a second-best to being a single dad too. I get every holiday, every birthday, every Mother’s and Father’s Day. I don’t have to schedule time with my boys and there are no conflicts of interest. I would love for Lex’s mom to be as big a part of his life as Simone is, but I love that he’s all mine right now.
I just started seeing someone more seriously. He loves that I have kids. I mean, he has to, right? We’ve talked a bit about the future and what would happen if things progress. He wants to have a planned child of his own someday. Obviously, the planned route wasn't my path the first two times around. In our family's true style, Simone has already offered to be his surrogate. How cool would it be for our children to be siblings in every way?
I’m still new at this dad thing. I know tough and wonderful days are ahead for our whole family, all the feels (see what I did there?). But I can’t wait to experience it all with these boys and the people who make us a family.
